Well a friend from saviors told me that he didn't know wheter to believe in my blog about sharing some events on life because it all looks so amazing that he doesn't know how to believe i wasn't using drugs...well i though maybe all of you may think the same, so i wrote this to him and now i write this words to all of you:
"i want to be free and that the ones i love let me follow my path without trying to use me like an object or something.
the problem is that i never think of myself only on others and i never do what i want but what others want.
i'm not selfish i only don't believe in me enough to raise and stand up for my life."
"what i wrote on saviors is the absolute truth.no i don't use drugs and truly hate it and don't understand why others do it.
and i simply can't stand to be next to someone that is using drugs,
my friends never understood why i hate it so much but i really do.
i don't need it to be something or to see or feel things.
believe or not.
i only needed to speak once and for all about my life and those things only my grandmother and husband know.
i am a bird prisioner in a cage of my own device,i know.
i got no self estem and let everybody use my life the way they want.
i know what i got to do, but that means i'd loose people on my way because they also don't aprove and don't want to let me go.
do you understand?
i don't want to be without my daughter and i just can't stand anymore being lay down on a bed and seeing life pass through my fingers and my heart calling me all the time to do what i know i'm supposed.
Can anyone understand the big problem i have in my life?"
so i have to choose.can't run anymore.i'll keep living like this or i remember once and for all who i am.
i know i have to stop smoking and eating shit food it's the only way to clean my body and raise my energy again.
but i also need to feel strong enough to go on and to know the ones i love also love me and respect my decision.that is the problem,they don't or simply they are affraid to loose me.but they will never loose me,they will have finally and once and for all the real ANA.
is that so hard to understand that love is freedom,respect,honesty and support?Am i wrong thinking this way?i don't own anyone why they think they own me?
i am light and darkness.i am the world and the world is me.
why can't anyone understand me?i can't believe i'm 30 years old and still have to feel like a child asking"can i please go out with my friends?" all the time to another person with the same age.
how could i let my life turn into this?
i will blow!
so i'll stay away.