Ok, so I've been noticing a lot of negativity within my life and around me in the people I know. I try to stay positive but it seems like the more I fight negativity the more it comes back with more force to test me again. And I must say, it's getting quite tiring. I find myself constantly warring with my friends and family over the most absurd topics because of their inability to see things my way. I know, it is not my job to convince people of the truth, if it even is the truth. That's another problem, I seem to be doubting some of my beliefs that have been so core to me over the last few years. I think this is happening in part because of the negativity that keep creeping back into my life. Also, I may be seeing things more clearly? Not quite sure.
It just seems like that for so long I've been talking about all this truth stuff and people just see it as a part of me to laugh at and ridicule and use against me whenever something happens. I don't know how many time I've seen stuff on the TV and someone points to me and says, oh Danny, is that the aliens? Like, is their ego really getting that much satisfaction out of making fun of mine? I just dont understand people sometimes, I really dont. In retrospect, I come to realize that this is not their true nature and it really is their ego but WHY DONT THEY UNDERSTAND THAT!? Ugh, it is very frustrating. Does anyone else feel like they are carrying a burden on their back?
A few days ago I received my first bill for my student loans (28k or so) and I was overcome with a sense of urgency to do something about it. First, I'm unemployed, second, I'm not in school anymore. So, THE MAN wants his money does he? Well I don't want to pay it. I dont feel like I got a 30,000$ education. I don't feel like education should cost anything! It's really starting to freak me out because on the news yesterday some guy got his door kicked in by SWAT looking for his wife who 'wouldn't pay her student loans back!' WTF is that crap? SWAT?! are you kidding me? Scare tactics... probably.
I find myself at a turning point in my life, done with college, yet not ready to persue a career in teaching (especially not in California). Stuck living my parents once again, I have no money and a busy summer ahead of me that makes it hard to try and start a meaningless job at this time (because I'd have to request so much time off) WHAT DO I DO!??!?!?!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!
I find myself telling myself not to worry, just to relax and everything will be fine, but the more I do that, the more it seems to burden me.
My theory is this... The more I awake and become aware, the more my ego has to try and fight to regain control. As I recognize ego in certain areas of my life, it loses its power, so it has to fight me in new and obscure ways that it hasnt had to use before. Thus, presenting itself in a more subtle way which in turn bugs me even more because it's not as detectable as before. Like, a few years ago I had plenty of struggle with ego - I just didn't know what was going on. I hadn't become aware of the true nature of myself or reality. Now that I have some basic understanding, the ego knows this is well, and is disguising itself in a new form, trying to control me like it did in the past. Does that make sense?
Are any of you guys experiencing this as well? Or have you been through a similar 'second struggle' like I'm going through right now?