Heartbreak

[Vaddix]

I use this blog because it one of the only places i can come to that people listen and genuinely care. I write this becuase i am really hurting right now. Ive never had the effects of heartbreak hit me so bad. I cant eat because it feels like there's a stab wound in my stomach, I cant sleep until i pass out because i can only think about her, and how i want her back so bad. if i wake up, i can never get back to sleep. Ive started shaking, my body feels so weak. I guess ive never loved anyone as much as i loved her. She really was my angel, She pulled me out of depression once before, made me so happy to be alive, but i fell back into to it.

When we started out everything was great, we had a year and a half together of bliss. We had plans to move to Scotland together. I got over there, found a job, and set up a place to stay, but she had lost her job over in the US, and couldn't afford to come over.

I came back for her. This is what got me into my depression. I missed my friends, and i had no direction. For a year and a half I worked a crappy job, But the only time i was truly happy was when i was with her.

I was depressed for a long long time, i did nothing, I didn't feel worthy enough for her love or to love myself. i
stagnated, it effected our relationship. The only thing that has
triggered me to change and start living was her leaving me.
Thing is. I want her back more than anything. I love her with all of my
heart. I was devastated when she left, but more devastated that i could
have saved things but didn't see the light in myself to try. Well i feel
the light now. I see the light now, My heart is on fire and my flame
has awakened bursting forth like the Phoenix out of the ashes. I love
this girl more than anything i have ever loved ever. More than the sun
and the moon and the world. She is my world. Nothing would make me
happier than to put a ring on her finger, Nothing would make me happier
to see her happy. I want to see her laugh, i want to see her cry so i
can wrap my arms around her and make her know that everything is fine
because she will always have my love. I want to grow old,and have kids
with her.

Im starting therapy next week so hopefully my body will be able to function normally again. Im finally going back to college in January, If i start college i can get a start at my dads company where i will make enough money to support us both. Im turning my life around because i dont mant to be that person i was for a year. I want to be the person she deserves. I want to be the man shes always dreamed of. I will be that man. I love her so much. Getting her back is the only thing on my mind, and i 100% dedicated to that pursuit.

I am focusing all my intentions on being with her. I read the secret,
and watched the movie. I will make the universe work for me, because
this is the only thing i have felt this strongly about.
If you will, i want to ask for your assistance, from anyone that is willing to share their intention, to share their advice. I'm asking for the help of the saviors of earth community, to help me bend the universe to get her back to me. If you need an image, that is Her and I on my profile, shes the girl with the tiara. Please help me bring this miracle back into my life.

She is the other half of my soul. I know shes my soul mate. i love her with an undying unflinching passion.

[Vaddix]

The therapist helped, managed to convince me i wasn't being treated right, but she was all i had so that why i held on so long.
Unfortunately shes all i had, so im sitting here bored out a my freaking mind. My phone hasn't gone off in almost two weeks. Houston is such a hard town to make friends. There is like nothing here and everybody lives so far away from each other.

[Vaddix]

Im stupid too. I was in Scotland last year to try to get a place set up for us both. It took a long time for me to find a job and even longer to find a place. I was so lonely, and she kept giving me shit about how long i was taking. It got unbearable.
One night i was hanging with my ex from Scotland and her friends. they tried to comfort me. She was telling me everything would be ok, and she kissed me. I felt horrible. i stopped and told her this couldn't happen, we couldn't do this cause i love Jeanine.

When i got back my most current ex wasn't able to trust me anymore. she knew at the back of her mind i kissed her, and it ate away at her. I didnt know this. I should have told her but i was terrified she would leave me.

Yesterday one of my best friends told her that i kissed her. Ex friend now. She wont talk to me, she wont looks at me, she is disgusted at me. I'm never gonna see her again cause my asshole ex friend.

October really has been a shit month for me. My family all got a cold at the start of the month, Jeanine wanted a break, then it moved onto her seeing someone, then it was a break up, then she went to another town with the guy, then my friend says i cheated on her, now i don't even get to talk to her. Whats worse is my dad never got better, and hes in the hospital cause there is something wrong with his liver, and my little sister may have diabetes.

The universe really picked a good time to shit all over me and my family. I just wish i could stop manifesting all this negative shit into my life. I'm at the end of the rope, about to take a short drop. I dont deserve this.

[ૐ Daisy ૐ]

oh Vaddix. Im sorry she's being so stupid. I don't even know what to say..

[Vaddix]

And i apologies for my rude tong, but im really not in the mood to watch my mouth. I do appreciate the kinds words though. you guys are really the only people i have.

[Vaddix]

Sorry Patric, cant be her friend and see her in the arms of an asshole. To painful. Cant be stuck in the friend zone. Wont EVER get stuck in the friend zone. Not with my soul mate.
Shes a stubborn woman, and i love her because she keeps me on my feet, but Ive got to say im extremely angry that she would lie to my face over and over telling me that the blame rest's on my inability to be happy with myself, when really the blames rest on the idiotic bad boy syndrome, that infatuates most women until they grow the fuck up. Maybe i pushed her to that, but hes the reason she wont even give me a chance to show her i can change.
The electro magnetic emanations from the galaxies black hole can suck my dick if its causing me all this anger, regret, and loneliness.
I hate her but i love her so much, with all my heart. I want to cry my eyes out and punch the shit outta something. ,My solar plexus is treating itself up. Ive lost ten pounds because eating in painful.
Thank you for your prayers Simone. I am preying too, That she will realize that im the right guy for her.

[patrick]

And... maybe work on the 'friend' angle so that she's got a guy she can talk to when the boyfriend drops off the radar.

[patrick]

Dear and valued Vaddix,
Hopefully you are experiencing a breakthrough in your personal life, we can see it in others increasingly (if we care to look and listen). Perhaps, as the luminaries say, this experience is a direct and intended personal reaction to our passing through the electro magnetic emanations coming from the black hole at the center of the Galaxy. What a wonderful time to be down here in 3d.

[Vaddix]

Ah you see they all say they want that, but Ive never met one. Shes not talking to me and shes seeing another guy now, so that makes everything so much worse. Her loss. I know the guy. He has a girlfriend.
She just keeps repeating the same mistakes over and over. I wander when she'll learn to pick the guy who loves her over the bad boy that just wants to fuck her.

[ૐ Daisy ૐ]

I think you have one up on all the other guys out there.. women want a guy who is in touch enough to be sensitive but manly enough to take care of her.. i think it sounds like you have the best of both of those ..that shouldn't be embarrassing to admit..that's a good thing ..


Here's my favorite movie/song>> Beautiful.. I wanna grow old with u.

[Golden_Angel_K]

Thank you for sharing again Vaddix, i send you much blessings for you to get in touch with your girl.