Albert Einstein: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
Max Frisch: "Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it."
Woody Allen: "I'm astounded by people who want to know the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."
Fred Hoyle: "There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for."
Five Impossible Questions Women Ask ROFL jee!! i'm here too! hahahahahahahahahah
1. "What are you thinking?
Right answer: "I'm sorry if I've been quiet, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.
Wrong answer: "If I wanted you to know, I'd be talking instead of thinking."
2. "Do you love me?"
Right answer: "Yes." or "Yes, dear."
Wrong answer: "I suppose so." or "Would it make you feel better if I said yes?"
3. "Do I look fat?"
Right answer: "No, of course not." (After saying, quickly leave the room.)
Wrong answer: "Compared to what?" or "I've seen fatter."
4. "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
Right answer: "No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answer: "Not prettier, just prettier in a different way." or "Yes, but I bet you have a better personality."
5. "What would you do if I died?"
Right answer: "I would be extremely upset. And, no I wouldn't remarry."
Wrong answer: Anything else.
Library Humor 2
Actual reference queries reported by American and Canadian library reference desk workers of various levels.
"I need to find Ibid's first name for my bibliography."
"Why don't you have any books by Ibid? He's written a lot of important stuff."
"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I am having it in my neck."
"Is the basement upstairs?"
"I am looking for a list of laws I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months."
"Do you have anything good to read?"
Get What You Pay For?
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical birds and says: "The parrot to your left costs $500." The man asks,"Why does the parrot costs so much?" The owner says,"Well, it knows how to use a computer. He can diagnose system bugs." The customer asks about the next parrot and is told,"That one costs $1000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to configure and use UNIX." Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told, "That one costs $2000." Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can IT do?" The owner shrugs and replies, "To be honest I've never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him Boss!"
TAKE A LOOK!
When signs makers go on strike, is there anything written on their picket signs?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're sitting there, staring at the carpet?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
Why do they report power outages on t.v.?
If you lick the air, does it get wet?
- Courtesy of: Debbie Williams
Silly Joke #1
How do you scare a bee?
Boobie (Boo, bee!)
More Funny Lines
Why does one drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
Why is delivery by boat called a cargo and one by land called a shipment?
Why are there no seat belts on school buses?
When it comes time to pay a restaurant bill, why do we ask for a check?
An Adult Christmas Story
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick and the trainee eleves weren't making toys as fast as the regulars, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa out even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found the three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had drunk everything. In frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten it. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa went to the door, cussing all the way. When he opened the door, there stood an angel with a tree. "Where would you like to put the tree?" the angel asked.
And that, my friend is how the angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
Silly Joke #2
A Rabbi, a Pollock and a Clown walk into a bar...the bartender says, "Hey, what is this...a joke?!"
If a policeman arrests a mime, does he have to read him his right to remain silent?
Q: What do you get if a piano falls down a mine shaft?
A: A flat miner / minor.
Three of my friends drove into a lake in a pickup truck. The one driving, rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. Seems they couldn't get the tailgate down.
- Submitted by: Brian Beloungy
Top Ten Reasons Lois Lane is Dumping Superman
10. His heat vision sometimes turns on accidentally when he's drunk.
9. She's now totally deaf in one ear because of his super-snoring.
8. Every time he left the toilet seat up, he blamed it on Clark Kent.
7. Always had to go stop an earthquake, when her parents were in town.
6. Was inspired when Lisa Marie Presley dumped her man from another planet.
5. Always making wisecracks about his X-ray vision not being able to penetrate her meatloaf.
4. Had to expose him to Kryptonite to get him to take out the garbage.
3. His insisting that the kids be raised Super.
2. She saw him barhopping in the Village wearing a Wonder Woman costume.
He was faster than a speeding bullet (if you know what I mean).
hahahahaha - this last line was belonging to the text before this picture and i messed them a little, BUT seems to be fit here too! LOL