This is something that has been on my mind for the past couple weeks now and i've come to the point where i just can't talk to anyone around me anymore-- im either put down, brushed aside, or dejected from a social collective point of view. Over the years as many of us have experienced, i have awakened-- awakened in the sense that my perception of the world and its subsequent events are not skewed or manipulated through the instruments of our media. I constantly search for my own reasons and scrutinies of situations so that i can formulate something that is true to me and not of anyone else's opinion. My main objective so to speak is to stay on the fence line of every issue- see things from both sides regardless if they disagree with my current ideals. Its healthy for ones state of mind, intuition, and reasoning.
Today, i'm feeling very hurt because i was having a conversation with my friend and we were talking about the incidents in the Taj Mahal Hotel and the "terrorists attacks". I thoroughly explained that i was impartial towards the situations, i do not jump to any conclusions that are fed to me because for one i haven't seen any visual documentation of these alleged terrorists in the hotels or any detainment photographs or anything. Regardless, he pressed on asking what i was trying to get at, and i followed up by saying "what really is a terrorists? is it something that we have constructed for ourselves to hate and fear as we have so commonly done so in the past as a nation state. The idea of a nation state is to have a common enemy and if you look into the past there has never been a time when this has not occurred"........
Well needless to say this may have rocked the ship so to speak about his beleifs or ideals and he quickly cut me off saying "yeah ok whatever i gotta focus on this right now (he was doing flash cards for studying for a test)". Meanwhile afterwards he put on the tv and watched it in a dead stare while i had to listen about what he had to say about the show, the characters, or whatever the heck.
I just really felt hurt by the whole situation to be discarded and dejected like some kind of radical... I'm not here to kick up dust on any fundamentalisms of society or "bring down the machine". I'm simply exercising my human free will in having a intuitive perception of the events around the world from a totally non-bias impartial point of view. It's very hard to accurately put this into words but it makes me very frustrated inside to be treated in such a way and i would never treat anyone in such a way either.
I have come to the point now where there is a crossroads in this journey of mine. I have discovered a sense of happiness with the information i have discovered, the daily stresses and troubles just don't seem to bother me anymore and i live in a way where i feel better about myself. However, the consequences that come with it rival the reward and i have come to a point now where I look at myself--- 20 years old, in a socially cannibalistic college atmosphere where any venture beyond the norm is laughed at and joked upon. It is really hard for me to keep my head up during these times, because i feel that i just dont think on the same level with my friends anymore.... maybe ive grown up to fast or that im just too young to understand still but this whole game is taking its toll on me and i dont know how much longer i can keep up with the pressure. I can feel that my friends are developing the notions of me as having a radical thought train, and it disrupts some of our conversations and experiences because of it. Maybe im trying to show everyone too much because i want everyone to see what i have seen, but whatever it is the repayment for my dues come in the form of scrutiny and humility. I just think im maybe a little too young to be outwardly expressing these ideas because the people around me are not ready for it and will be quick to discard me to the trash without thinking twice. I'm sorry for anyone who has to bear reading this, i don't mean to throw a pity party in any shape or form whatsoever, i've just been putting this off for a long time and i felt something should be said, and maybe this would be the right crowd.
I feel like im alienating myself more and more by doing this and its not a very pleasant experience..... i still havent found my true self or inner being, and i question if i ever will since the ego takes grasp of me during times like this and again throughout pressures that bring me back down. I didn;t think it would be this hard