I've been really trying to be strong and positive, but i feel that my old self is breaking down. I feel like i'm going through a slow death is what it feels like, mainly because it might be the ego dying. I'm not sure but Lately i'm having a hard time loving myself, Of course i love other people but it's like there is nothing in this world that brings joy into my life. I have pretty much no friends other the ones i talk to online and on here Saviors of Earth. Half my family believes i'm a little nuts or might need help. There are nights i feel like giving up on life, and then there days that i feel wonderful and nothing bothers me.
I've done so much studying on these topics of Ascension and Conspeirices, reading books like a new earth and so much more. It seems like i'm so into learning and understanding information but i can't use that information in my daily life. Letting go of the ego is easy said but not easy done. I spend hours everyday studying and learning but it just doesn't sink in my mind. I've always had a hard time learning and focusing on the important things in my life. I want do whatever it takes to help others but at the same time, i'm not helping myself. I've been listening to Brad but how he's been able to let go and learn more about himself, I've been working that for a long time. I feel i've gotten no where or improved or changed.
I made it clear to myself that as long others are prepared to Ascend i'll be happy and that i help others. I just feel that i'm not going to make it, i'm not going to be able to let go of that ego now matter what i do. It's not like i don't know the truth, i know i'm light and i know i'm love, but experience love bliss and joy is on a whole another level of truth. I continue to Meditate daily i continue to try so hard to love myself and trying to find what i love to do the most, other than my family and 2 cats. I'm talking about finding the joy in my life and finding my passion.
I'm not asking for anyone to feel sorry for me, I already know i have to work this out myself since i believe in free will, but i just don't feel i'll make it. For starters if you don't eat the right foods you won't ascend, eating fruits and vegatables helps but I'm not totally on Vegatables only fruits. I still eat the food that is not good for you. There are alot of other Variables for Ascension but that's for starters. I don't believe i'll be able to change my eating habits.
I"ve been asking myself this question for over a year now, why is it so hard for me to learn and to change? I don't believe i'll ever get that answer, I know you must inside to find your answers and i totally believe that but that is so difficult when your body won't allow you to sit still or be calm.
I have this shaking problem all in my body, but mostly in my hands so this really hurts me when i'm trying to relax and meditate. I've gotten no feelings no answers, no insight, and no experiences meditating as of yet. Relaxing is the key i believe i know that my body won't allow me.
So I guess i feel like i'm giving up on Ascending, for now i'm working on helping others and sharing information and do what i can to help as many Ascend as possible.
Thank You all for reading, You are all so wonderful on this community, I wish there were others in my area that are loving and caring like all of you, but there isn't, i'm surrounded by negative people except for my mother. If i could move i would, bills and debt and my cats are keeping me here as well as my mother. A beautiful Tropical island could be nice, since i hate the cold weather.
Much love to you all