For lack of an attractive title

[Jessica Iler]

I came here looking for something and indeed I was not disappointed. In fact, something is exactly what I found, but to define that, to simplify that is impossible at best and infinite at worst.

So, where is this going? Let me start with my Why. I have never been a person to believe anything at face value and in the same breath, believe wholeheartedly in everything. This is a duality that governs my existence to an extreme. I am hot and cold, never warm. I am happy or sad and never content. I am old and extremely young and never my age. Wise and gullible. I came here hoping to find the secret, a whisper of what it all meant.

Unfortunately, I am faced with the same predicament. I find some of the mass amount of information to strike something within me that screams " Right! Perfect! exactly!" and then even in the same amount of text or video things that repulse every ounce of my being.And I do not say this lightly. I am disgusted and that internal voice is screaming just as hard that it's wrong and warped and horrible.


Perhaps everyone feels that way, but I envy the people who can meander through life content, never feeling these extremes of existence. Who don't question why or cannot wrap their minds around the injustice of the world. Why. It's the thought that always comes to mind. Why can't I? Why is it impossible? Why can I not just do the things that everyone else can seem to grasp and accomplish. Why can't I just stifle my self and work a job that has no real meaning. Why can't I accept that not everything in life does not have a purpose worth mentioning? Why do I not understand the injustices.

I suppose I was looking for someone to identify these 'symptoms' or 'feelings' and give me something that felt right to base a self revolution if you will. This talk of ' indigo' and 'crystal'... Some of it feels right, but is so mixed in with information that self contradicts it is impossible. These signs... Signals of enlightenment. I have most of them depending on the text. Sometimes all of them, never none of them... And yet... Here I am... looking around at a proverbial gathering and still entirely alone. I have only met one other human such as myself who can relate exactly and it baffles me to this day, but neither of us have any idea... Neither of us can grasp onto the why or the what or the what now.

My eyes are changing color. They've been blue my whole life with a ring of yellow around my pupil. The yellow has begun to spider out in my eyes and make them a green...My intuition has flared. I can tap into people around me and describe to them their thought processes, the reasons why they are effected by things, the outer influences that shaped them within a ten minutes of meeting them at times. I know when bad things are going to happen and if I ignore that prickle, they always do. If I want something badly enough, I will always attain it one way or another through very abstract ways that under normal circumstances appear to be very extreme examples of coincidence. I loose interest in things that I have learned all I can from and I cannot apply myself to things I see as fruitless or worthless. I simply do not understand pointless things. Sometimes I feel as if I can change everything if only I were to do it, and then I tell myself I am simply being self-heroic. Did I mention I am going into psychology and that all of this only makes me feel as if I should be a case study?

I suppose it all comes down to what the hell is wrong with me and why can't I function? Why am I self absorbed, look at consequences as ridiculous and pointless other then to ruin my fun even while knowing that they serve a very distinct purpose. In other words, what the hell is wrong with me and can someone tell me in plain English?

[Jessica Iler]

Thank you all for replying. Really. It's re-assuring., And I think your right Reb... I don't think I have accepted my lessons yet..And I think that's bothering me the most.

[CrystalClear2313]

I find my self with some of your symptoms and feelings...
Just allow... don't try to rationalize everything in your life. Somethings have no clear answer at that point in your life and then one day you'll understand why things and feelings were they way they were.
Most important love your self and all that surrounds you see the good even in the bad, sometimes it works for me even thou It takes time to be that way.
Anyway I hope it can help somehow
Hang in there dear.
LOVE & LIGHT

[RL]

u arent accepting ur life's lessons wholeheartedly yet..
when a disciple goes to a teacher to learn something, he accepts the tough bits as they contain the most important lessons.
once u've experienced it, life will go on as per normal :)

i wanna change my eye color too! so fun