The Unification Epicenter of True Lightworkers
Its Early Morning (2:40am) Jan. 28, 2009
I feel the need to... dialog I guess. I'm insecure about posting here. Not sure if this is appropriate for this site, but I really could use some emotional support as I am going through one of those "Dark nights of the soul" events right now in my life and I'm hoping those who should choose to chance upon my page through the synchronicites of the universe may find they have a word or some insight that I will find comfort in.
It is clear to me that even though my wife of some 17 years is going through an awakening process herself, our marriage is doomed to end in the coming months ahead. She has made it clear she doesn't see it lasting another year.
I admit, the relationship has rarely been all that good, largely do to some critical mistakes (criticism) that I made early in the relationship (barely off our honeymoon) and a wife with a very large and unforgiving ego and her very dysfuncional background. I am apparently, at least in part, now reaping what I have sown so long ago.
And yet there is so much I'm not saying that would be helpful to understanding. Let me at least say this. I was never unfaithful or anything like that, in fact she has essentially been unfaithful to me because of the hurt feelings I caused. She briefly turned to an old boy friend for comfort at the time, one she still opines for, to this day, though I am given to understand that he is happily married now. She says she didn't sleep with him, but did make out and do some heavy petting (He was all innocent, she didn't even tell him that she was married and even had a baby). I tend to believe her, but sometimes I'm not sure, as she isn't always straight up with me, and if I'd made an indiscretion like that, I'd be hesitant to be up front too.
Among the many difficulties I face now, is that In spite of the lack of harmony throughout the years, I have come to love her deeply and unconditionally. I don't want to give up on the relationship, especially since we have six children together! I recognize that I might actually be happier without her, our energies simply clash and create so much negativity, but I feel it is primarily due to her negative attitude about practically everything and a wounded ego that she just can't seem to release. I know she loves our children deeply too, and because of them, we will never be able to completely sever ties. In the end, too often the children suffer the most.
I don't want to have them be casulties of love loss, she read some books on the law of attraction and she is determined to manifest what she wants. She says it is time to focus on herself and its okay because she finally loves herself and knows what she wants and it isn't me. I come from a solid family background, hers was broken. To me, you just don't do this kind of thing expect in the most dire of circumstances. Why do we have make choices that wound so many we love close to us? Even If the law of attraction promotes following your most heart felt desires, it seems to me that a better focus would be an outcome that promotes the highest good for all. It makes more sense to me to try to heal this relationship, but she won't have it. She says she needs to start over from the beginning with someone who really wants/Loves her from the beginning. She says she needs to know what that is like... To be loved...
WHAT!? You see no matter what I say, she is of the mindset that I don't really love her. It was never that way! I admit my passion wasn't what it should have been in the beginning, (I was miffed at her dysfunction, but had an overwhelming spiritual experience that convinced me I should marry her anyway), but she has created the illusion that what I said so long ago meant I didn't love her at all and never have!!
If anything is true with regards to her feelings, from my perspective, its that everything she has ever accused me of being towards her, is in fact, how she has been feeling towards and treating me.
Recently she claims she has finally gotten over the hurt words I gave so many years ago, and I only said this one time, its not like I was brow beating her with it on a daily basis for years or something or beholden of a constantly verbally abusive tounge (okay, ya wanna know what I said right? I said, in a moment of smothered frustration, "I will never love you as much as you love me." ).
You see, I needed some space, and I really thought at the time that she was desparetly in love with me, desparet being the key idea here. She was so all over me, I thought she always would be, stupid young man that I was, but she said recently that she has finally learned to love herself and recognizes that back then she was a very dysfunctional co-dependant personality and she questions that she ever really loved me at all.
I grew up in a strong, large family, of 9 siblings. She has one full blooded sister that she was raised with from about 8- to adult by her very dysfunctional mother (2 older half sisters stayed with her father after a divorce). I learned early about getting along with others as I had so much opportunity and my expectation of a relationship did not include nearly double decade ego wounds. When I said what I did, I was so nieve! I really thought it would blow over in a few hours. Instead, it became some sort of a frame-work for everything ever after, as it was never really forgiven. She says she is over it finally, but to me, how can that be... As I've never really felt forgiven, or really ever been passionately loved since. Its mostly just one continuing track of hurt.
I think, from my perspective, I've suffered well beyond what I deserved for that verbal indescresion that one night. Years of unpassionate lovemaking, though I tried, believe me... I have always been completely committed and wanted things to work. Perhaps I've needed to learn the power and weight that words can carry. One night vs. 17 years or so. Such a seeming disparity; and I have learned my lesson. Oh had I just kept them inside... Perhaps, Maybe? How knows. But I know I will always be more careful towards anyone with regards to what I am willing to share about personal thoughts, even if I am frustrated towards them.
I am curious about future socialization as we ascend into a world of no more secrets. I understand that even though we will recognize we are all one, that doesn't necessarily mean death to the ego, you can't really kill it, only rise above it. At least Initially, If we haven't done enough work on healing ourselves, will our egos tolerate what we think, out loud so to speak, to each other?
Well, talk about pain, I was not only wrong for saying what I said at the time, but wrong in my nieve estimation of what I said, as the way things have gone, I deeply love her much more than she has apparently ever loved me. What's more, I don't understand how some one can wake up and finally learn to love themselves, and then tell me that they are not only dead to any feeling towards me, but that they question weather they ever loved me at all. I mean, she keeps saying you can't love anyone else if you don't love yourself.... Okay, so now you finally, love yourself, (I can't tell you how many times throughout the years I used to hear her say she didn't like herself) so then doesn't that mean you should finally be able to really Love Me now......in stead she says she only feels numb and dead towards me....
Dear God the pain, the pain...
This is enough for now. tis way late/early.
Additional thoughts added next day:
How did I feel the first time I saw her? An Interesting story, to say the least, and the most profound spiritual experience of my life to date. It convinced me I was to marry her.
First a little background, I was 31 and she was only 20. I had already let several really great opportunities for marriage pass me by, for a variety of reasons. I was now; however, beginning to feel a little desparet. I had been praying about it and had just about resigned myself to the idea that if I got married at this point I was going to have to marry a divorcie and possibly even raise someone else's kids. I really wanted my own, so I was reaching back quite a ways now, when I was mixing with the young single crowd. I came home from college for Thanksgiving and decided to give it one last try and attend a local church dance.
That evening while readi-ing myself for the dance, I had the most profound inner knowing come over me that I was finally going to meet my wife. And since I don't believe in any sort of a predestination, type thing, I felt at the very least, it was going to be the beginning of a strong relationship that could lead to marriage, if I so choose. It was so powerful that I took it as a sign that it really was meant to be, if I so choose to follow it. I still had my free agency to choose you see. What was so memorable for me, at that moment, was the feeling was so powerful! I just stood there looking into my own eyes, in the mirror and I was giddy and happy and smiling at myself, ear to ear. I had heard of such inner knowing before, but never had I experienced anything like this previously.
I have always fancied long haired brunettes and when I entered the room and saw her for the first time, this petite and lovely long-haired brunette, I just knew she was the one before I had even asked her to dance.
We did dance and I felt for sure she was the one, but to test fate, I decided to ask out another girl I met that night first for a date, the next night, and was flat out refused. I felt it was confirmation. I walked over and asked her out and she was practically glued to me from then on.
Looking back, now that I know a little about the law of attraction, I wonder if I somehow created that feeling and it wasn't really a sign "of meant to be" that I took it as.
You see she was so clingy and insecure and controlling. If I didn't pick her up, she would daily walk miles accross town and end up on my door step, weather I wanted her there or not. She was making sure that I didn't have the opportunity to date anyone else. It really put me off and she basically chased me for the next nearly two years!
Had she not been so clingy, I'm sure I would have asked her to marry me sooner. However, really if had I not had that feeling, I would have dumped her early on. Her neediness made me that uncomfortable in spite of her charming good looks. It really comes down to that feeling that night I met her, for me, over and over; but, I figured that is why I was given the feeling, as since I was supposed to marry her and normally would have blown her off for her clingyness, I felt it was a spiritual sign I was to marry her and help her grow and myself in the process, even though it was probably going to be hard. Well I've grown all right...
When I finally decided to make the move it was after a lot of prayer and a feeling came over me that everything was going to be alright and I should quit delaying and move forward. My fear was that she seemed so desparet. I sometimes wondered if she really loved me. I feared that through my building her up, someday she might discover just how pretty she really was and think she maybe could have done better than me.
Almost prophetically, this is what is now happening. She says she was co-dependant and disfuctional and questions weather she ever really loved me, and knowing me as she does now, she never would have chosen me! Ouch!! I think that statement reflects a lot pain still, as from my perspective, I don't think I'm all that bad (really tough to see ourselves though others eyes isn't it). She's just still carrying a severely wounded ego.
The thing I question now is -what about that feeling- that even led me to believe she was the one. Where did that really come from and what about the promise that it was going to be okay and not to give into my fears. Was all this pain just about emotional growth for both of us? When do I get to the happy part? Do I really have to lose her after all this to be happy and see her happy? Really Sucks in that way!!
Knowing how insecure she was, I, at the time, told her after our engagement in an attempt to make her feel secure and feel she had finally won me, said that "If we ever broke up, it would never be me." So far this is proving prophetic too.
Now I'm the one who is insecure and crying my eyes out. I can see how this emotional drama has effected my health over the years too! I've got a lot of work to do there and my poor health hasn't helped a younger woman's attitude towards me at all either. I see only about a 10% chance that we are going to get through this rough spot, in spite of my feeling long ago, that it would be all right, and I wouldn't bet on a 10% odds of winning on anything, terrible odds! Now I find my self justifying my feelings, saying that perhaps all right doesn't necessarily mean together forever all right, just whatever happens, I'll be all right. Even though I had premonitions about what is now happening, I hoped it would ultimately pass and be all right. That meant to me, real deep love, and unity in the end, not separation. Even though I feared it, I wanted to believe, all right meant ultimate Passion, Love, Unity and mutual respect...
I gotta tell ya, right now its not all right...
Thanks for your attentiveness.
Update: March 23, 2009
A few days ago I visited with a friend who became very connected to source energy after a near death experience. She can see energy and auras. She can hear and converse with the spirit world. She can talk with spirit guides just to mention a few of her ascended abilities. She knew I was in a lot of emotional distress and wanted to visit with me. What came out has been comforting.
I found out that my wife and I have been together in a former life in a master slave situation. We created some Karma during that life that our souls wanted to clear. Something happened during that life that turned out badly. We had a contract and whatever happened, on a soul level, we just didn't get it. The soul wants to clear karma and complete contracts so we came back together to fulfill our contract during this life. When I asked who was master and who was slave she refused to tell me. She said you must understand that on a soul level, its not about blame but about soul growth. She told me that the reason my wife began pulling away is that the contract is completed. We are done.
Knowing this takes the bite out of complaining about all the dysfunction, who did what, etc. etc... Now the problem is just dealing with the clean up, the broken heartedness. She told me that we really are not that well matched otherwise. She told me that, I am a very very very very (Many very's) old soul and that my wife is a very young soul. She is like a teenager who thinks that they know it all on a soul level. Some day she will see what she gained by coming together with me and vise versa.
Right now though, I have so much pain and heart ache. Though knowing this helps take the edge off it all, I still find my self not wanting to let go. I have been so completely committed in spite of the problems.
Looking forward, she told me I can expect healing and a much more satisfying relationship with someone else, when I am ready, in the not to far off future. So I look forward to that, and hope my present wife finds satisfaction and love too. I guess it wasn't meant to be with me long term anyway.
Update July 1, 2009
My X wife now, filed papers and the divorce was final on in early May. This has been such a difficult situation for me to face. I am still so very heart broken. I have such a difficult time especially with her telling me that she thinks she never loved me all, due to being dysfunctional.
She seems to be healing well with her new found freedom. I however, am stuck. I am 11 years older than her. My health is problematic and I am the primary care giver to my 6 children, ages 4m 6m 9f 11f 13m and 17m. Turns out I was never really loved... Thats hard... I'd like to love again only this time with someone who really does know how to Love, me, any way. Unconditional Love is easy for me towards my fellow man. What I find difficult right now is that when it comes to a mate, you have to deal with animal attraction issues too. I feel very frustrated feeling I have to try and find someone who will accept a 50 year old, overweight, diabetic with 6 six young kids. An older women like my self might be more sympathetic towards me but shy away because she has already raised a family and is done with young ones. A younger women who might accept my children would likely not accept me and my poor health and low activity levels.
Maybe its time to just learn to learn how to just love myself in the moment, more than ever, and well, just exercise happiness and ...? Just be happy...
Heres to Love and Light and Happiness ****
ALL IS ONE!
Update: December 16, 2009
Brenda met a new man after being divorced from me for a mere six weeks! She is deeply infatuated with him and in the throws of new found twitter-painted love. She began seeing him twice a week right from the start and sleeping with him after just a few weeks... This has caused an incredible amount of emotional pain and discomfort for me. Before the divorce she kept insisting that she wanted to start over with me and date me, but since she met this new man, she says everything has changed and she simply doesn't care about me anymore what so ever.
Before the divorce I had the mind set that if she followed through with the divorce, I would never go back to her as she hurt me so much. I discovered that as soon as I was divorced a mental desparation set in and I wanted her back desprately. When she started dating her current boyfriend and sleeping with him, Well, for months now I don't sleep well, I cry daily and am facing the most difficult emotional period of my life.
A bright spot however, my health has improved by leaps and bounds, I discovered eating a 80% raw food diet has greatly alkalized my system and I have finally taken in lifting weights again after many years. I simply couldn't before as I was so acid that every time I would exercise I would get sick. Now my blood pressure has dropped, My dibetes is in remission and I have lost a ton of weight and I am muscling up too! Yeah!
Love Light prevails!
Its July 5, 2010! Today I have some updating to share. Brenda, My x-wife married her boyfriend of the past year, on a visit to New York with him in May. She did not tell anyone except her sisters. Our daughters where very disappointed as she had told them, they would be involved in the wedding. There has been alot of hurt in the past year, but why go on and be labor this any longer? It is what it is. Past lifes together, what ever, she left me again... Perhaps I need to learn to move on, stay positive. I realize I carry a lot of judgement. I need to forgive and move on. Wish me positive energy so I can move on it is none the less difficult. OUCH!