I sit to write. The knowledge is there yet the words are not. It is all in my head from ions ago. The rhyme, the reason, the meaning, the point, the purpose.
I struggled with religion so much as a child and in turn growing up as a teenager – being taught on one hand that god was wrathful, that he would condemn you to hell if you did not follow his word, and on another hand that “god is all loving, all forgiving”, “god, your father” etc. I always had conflicting beliefs. For a while I just tried to be as perfect and godly as possible (hmm, well in the sense of how i treated people, maybe not in my rebellious drinking and smoking!!) as i was so fearful of being struck down by a lightning bolt! However I always had it in the back of my mind and essentially in my heart that if god/source (whatever you want to call it) is all loving, if he is all forgiving.....why would he condemn us to hell, why hurt the children you created if you created them in love? I believe source is all loving so why punish if we make a mistake? I see my god/sourc/creator as pure unconditional love, like the love I have for my children........they make a mistake, I pick them up, maybe have a little stern word in their ear, dust them off, give them a hug and send them off again to carry on learning the lesson that is life, the lessons that they have, essentially chosen to learn themselves.
We have to wake up each morning and do and be whatever feels ‘normal’ to us. Not listen to what other people tell us is ‘normal’ or ‘right’ but what feels right and true to us.
Society sees ‘normal’ as waking up, 9-5 job, wife, husband, kids, car in the drive, a home and a social life. If that isn’t your life, if that isn’t your everyday life does that mean you are not normal??
People/family....fr......(was going to say friends but i have none lol) think I am abnormal because I have withdrawn from society. I do not work, I do not go out, I do not have friends because those I did have spoke so much crap I couldn’t handle it. I have my kids and I have my partner, thats it..........I do not wish it any other way, (apart from my partner allowing me to be.... to be me) Is it abnormal being a recluse just because society tells you so??
Being around most people causes immense negativity in me, resulting in panic attacks and a desperation to escape. It feels as if they are invading my space; the space that I hold close to my heart, I hold true to my self....they all invade and sully it.
I think, and feel that I am invisible to this world. I am able to function for the sake of my children to the point of taking them to school, cook their meals etc.....I do this yet I feel people do not see me, I am not visible.
Nothing of material matter is important to me anymore, all is irrelevant. Shoes, cars, clothes, hair..etc etc etc etc.....blah blah blah,.........I DONT CARE, I CARE ABOUT SOUL....NOT FUC***G SHOES!!
I care about truth, soul, belief and love above all things. Love is....... A certain look from a stranger. Love is heart palpitations (in a good way!) for no reason. Love is looking up at the sky and feeling connected. Love is talking to someone you have never met yet know you have loved them before. Love is the wind on your cheek as if it is the kiss or breath of your angel. Love is coincidence. Love is the song of a bird. Love is sitting in a chair, feeling connected to one, all that is, no beginning.... no end................... A continuous attachment of true, pure, soul love.
It is hard......I will not deny, infact the pain I have endured and the tears I have shed have been unbearable at times....... yet I know I chose this path. I know this is teaching me a lesson although I am yet to learn what lesson it is that I am being taught.
All I do know is – Truth is Truth
Love is Love
If you follow and believe and have faith in both of those you/we/I will eventually emerge from the struggle and the pain and heartache.
We will become the true beings we were meant to be
We will emerge from the chrysalis and become the beautiful butterflies we are destined to be.
From MY HEART I LOVE YOU